Okay, so, this blog is beginning to read like something Sony would write. I appreciate your concern, I really do, the problem is that all the games I have covered so far have been pretty good. I also appreciate I sound like a sad middle-aged twat fanboy trying to convince the world Playstation is okay.
Maybe I am?
Nahhh.
The other thing is I cannot abide the pretentious tossers who endlessly bang on about SHMUPS. Ironically, that's exactly what I have done too...
So, I better cover some crappy games, to cover my back.
A good place to start: Deathtrap Dungeon. What they should have done, if they had been honest, is call it Cash-Trap dungeon. Why? Because a few things didn't add up from the get-go.
Ian Livingston? Check!
Deathtrap Dungeon? Check!
Ian Livingston of Fighting Fantasy fame? Check!
Enter brain-left a flurry of memories of quite possibly the greatest books ever written ever. Fighting Fantasy books. You read a bit, threw a dice and then went to another section or page of the book, read it bit more and so on it went.
It was, for a dyed in the wool geek like me, the best thing to come out of the eighties. Except for Kim Wilde – obviously.
Now, the first clue that Deathtrap dungeon on the Playstation was going to be a memory abuse case of catholic church proportions, was the cover art. As I recalled things, the cover art to the book Deathtrap dungeon was so hideous, I, as a nice, pleasant, well brought up fourteen year old, could barely bring myself to look at it. It was a picture of evil itself. Just a look, a mere glance at the cover of Deathtrap Dungeon, I was convinced, was a glimpse at a beast of hell itself. It was that good.
Go on. Google it. Google for “Deathrap Dungeon” and then look at images. If you can see a demonic blob of festering beast matter straight from the anus of hell, you found it, if you're looking at a pathetic black box with Deathtrap Dungeon written on it, in yellow whiplash font, then you're looking at the blasphemous PS1 box art.
So, okay, I flip the box over. There is a woman, dressed in leather attire, with enormous thingies, you know, women thingies, and she is wearing thigh-high leather boots and carrying a massive sword.
So, enter brain right afore mentioned woman. I don't remember her from the book. I was fourteen, I could amuse myself eight times a day when I was fourteen, so why don't I remember this woman? She's just the sort of woman... Oh yes. That's it. SHE WASN'T IN THE BOOK.
Atlus and Eidos between them have changed the art, which wasn't necessary, and changed the characters. That somehow, despite the allure of the new character, also wasn't necessary.
But, I'm getting worked up over mere trifles. Mere cosmetic differences. Surely, with Ian Livingstons name so brashly brandished across the cover how bad could it be?
Hmmm. How bad could it be, seems to have the standard by which they made the game. I am, honestly, the most forgiving gamer on earth. I played Driver 3, to conclusion, and I enjoyed it. I like and still enjoy playing Starblade. I own a 3DO. I found 50 games to be considered the top 50 games for that system. When I say I'm forgiving, I make Jesus look uptight and rash when it comes to forgiving people. Well, games. Well, Jesus never reviewed games. Obviously. But if he had done, I could teach him a thing or two about forgiving bad games.
So the point of that is: Deathtrap Dungeon is bad. It's awful. It's dreadful. When people whine on about draw distance, poor camera angles, bad graphics. They have no room to speak, unless they are talking about Deathtrap Dungeon. The controls, the sound effects, it's just bad-bad-bad.
The other thing, despite the Deathtrap, despite the dungeon, despite the half naked woman, it's boring. Really boring.
So there you go.
3DOKid.
